I'm back, but I still haven't found what I am looking for.

I've had a funny half year, after losing a pet and then some big changes for my family, somehow I really lost my way and track of time. The last few weeks have been focused on making some organisational changes in my home; moving furniture, repurposing storage, failed DIY and generally trying new arrangements. As well as repeatedly thumping my computer which is being REALLY slow.

Unlocking brain power

Now I am watching a film called Limitless in which a man takes a new drug that brings him absolute clarity, his deductive reasoning increases more than tenfold. I've yet to see the part where he finds the drawbacks but he is able to connect ideas, memories and patterns from his life to create new solutions, and a lot of money, and it is making me think.

I know I am smart, I was always smart, but I've been a bit unlucky having worked for companies that either went broke or had some other issues, so I have never really had a chance to prove myself. I've also been somewhat let down by my health which is a nuisance and doesn't really help.

I am very aware of things around me, like the guy in the film. I'm good at putting ideas together and creating new ideas from them but I am not so good at how to connect to the right people to put them into practice. I've been burned a few times; shared an idea, heard nothing back then one day the idea is on the shelves. Twenty years ago at university I wrote an essay predicting that the music business would come to see the live experience as its primary income stream, and now with the rise of filesharing my theory is proving quite accurate. There are even businesses based on people sharing the experience.

I know that in the right situations I am quick thinking, able to spot trends, aware of potential pitfalls and capable of asking all the questions that get the information needed at that moment. A little bit like the man in the film who's brain starts working at full capacity.

But somehow I can't get that on a CV and prove to a decent employer that I am the person they need.

I know that 'the right situations' are ones where I am stimulated, required to stretch my mind, a little under pressure and where I have some incentive to solve the issues at hand. I.e. situations that are not a lot like most of the paid employment I have had.

It is partly bad luck that I found jobs in the wrong places, partly a distinct lack of self belief and the confidence required to get my foot through the right door (I am most definitely an introvert), and partly a serious distaste for the mundane and repetitive. Not that I can't knuckle down, I've cleared rooms piled high with junk and turned them into orderly and accurately mapped file storage spaces, but when you keep being asked to do those tasks but have the brain power for so much more it gets to be entirely disheartening.

I've always had the sense that the solution for me is just a tiny bit beyond my reach, that if I could turn a little quicker that idea I glimpsed would come into full focus or that if I could just connect couple of dots I would have all the answers.

So the little pills the man in the film takes to make all that happen sound very appealing. Except now the film is over, I really don't want to deal with some of those consequences.

TV Detectives

I'm a sucker for TV detective and police shows. CSI, NCIS, Lewis, Midsomer Murders; you name it I watch it if there is a mystery to solve.

One I've recently taken a liking to is Castle, in which the 'ruggedly good looking' man from Firefly follows a New York police detective and helps to solve murders with her.

But back up a minute! Mystery writer.... solves murders. Isn't that Jessica Fletcher!

As it happens I love Murder, She Wrote as well. 

Technology

When I was a kid I felt quite technologically advanced as my parents both worked in the computer industry when it was still fairly new. Now though I feel a bit left behind. My telephone has many times more processing power than the room sized computers my dad used to install, complete with air cooling, cranes and tapes. It has functions that I am sure those early computer pioneers could never have dreamed of.
I understand that kids today take computers and technology for granted and learn to use everything as easily as they learned to walk. I feel somewhat baffled. I appreciate that something like a personal assistant on the phone is an incredibly complex piece of software but I can't really workout what I would use it for, or what it can do that I can't.
I also think there is an extent to which heavy reliance on technology reduces the scope of a person. If I ask this personal assistant to do everything what is there for me to do? Like taking photographs. I used to have a lovely 35mm SLR camera that I would carefully clean and adjust all the settings to make sure I captured beautiful pictures. Now I drag my phone out of my pocket and take a quick pic that I can then fiddle with using automatic filters all included in the phone.
I have also read that Google are launching glasses with a HUD (heads up display) integrated into them, so you can find maps, take photos, even buy things online just by tipping your head.
There is a film called eXistenz in which players of a game are physically connected into it, reality becomes very confused with the in game world. I wonder if that is our future.

Do you feel lucky?

What is luck? A benevolent Lady who watches over you or a cruel whim of the gods?
Some people you say you make your own luck.
That's great for a person who is breezing through life, happy, healthy, successful and popular. How nice to think you are the sole architect of your good fortune. How confidence boosting to believe you are that great.
But consider someone equally smart with similar opportunities who has had a string of bad luck, made redundant though no fault of their own, a recurring health issue, friends who moved away, no success with applying for a new job simply because of the high level of competition. Are they responsible for the misery that seems to have befallen them? To say you make your own luck suggests you make your own bad luck too. But if you are suffering a series of chance happenings that work against you, how would you feel to be told you made your own luck? Not so good, and hearing that over and over from those successful people who don't know what bad luck is, might just make you feel worse about yourself, erode your confidence and spiral into a spate of worse situations.

Luck is just chance. A string of good luck is very healthy, a string of bad luck needs to be seen as what is it, chance. And chance says that previous events can't influence the future. Your luck just might change.

Time flies

How is that one minute it's Monday morning, the next thing you know it's Friday night?
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity." Einstein.

Trust or respect

Apologies first, for the hiatus over Xmas. I trust you enjoyed yourselves. Hopefully normal service will resume now.

I had a conversation recently with someone that triggered a train of thought about respect.
I believe that you have to earn trust, you don't tell your darkest secrets to someone you just met, even if they are your doctor or lawyer, you need to build up a degree of trust first. However I believe that you should start from a position of mutual respect with everyone you meet, including at the checkout, in a queue, among friends and in virtual meetings. Both parties should be able to expect that they will be treated politely, kindly and as an intelligent being with rights from the get go.

I wonder if this is something lacking in society as a whole? Might it be the reason that we seem to have seen so many acts of wanton disrespect in the news over the last year?

Perhaps we need to start to instil respect in every meeting and encourage others to do so as well.

Where am I?

I was recently watching All Roads Lead Home and heard Stephen Mangan say "If you are not aware of where you are, you are not really there".
I don't generally expect depth and profundity from comedians but I thought this was a remarkable observation.
If your mind is not thinking about the place you are in then where is it?
Sometimes it is good for the mind to wander, to explore ideas or imaginary worlds, and I would recommend such mental exercise when doing something mundane like the washing up. But if you are on a journey, in a new place or even having quiet time at home, take some time to admire your surroundings and get to know the place you are in, and make yourself really be there.

The News or the Daily Drama

Today I happened to be listening to Radio 2 in the car. In the business section of Simon Mayo's show they interviewed a person from the HPA (Health Protection Agency) who said that they had found that there was a small theoretical risk of infection from the Garra Rufa fish pedicures.
2 hours later, again in the car, I was listening to a local commercial station who get their news from Sky. They ran the same story with the words "A government agency has proved that HIV and Hepatitis can be passed on by fish pedicures". Now that phrasing gives and entirely different perspective on the story. They didn't offer any interviews with or explanations from spokespeople from the HPA, just a salon owner who offers the fish pedicure.
The first article was reasoned, calm, informative and honest.
The second was alarmist, inaccurate and probably quite damaging to the people who offer the treatment.
Imagine if you only heard the second item. You would believe that the treatment is dangerous.
Now imagine if all you listen to is inaccurate, commercial news. The whole world becomes full of evil and danger.
But who can you trust? If often seems that even the BBC is becoming more sensationalist and alarmist.
I think the answer is to read around, look around. Try to find your information from as many sources as you can. After a while you will start to recognise the ones that are alarmist and sensationalist and you will begin to tune your awareness and will recognise who to trust.
Make your mind up from the best sources you can find, don't put your faith in just one.

Subtitles or signed

How do you think?
I know a lot of people think as though they are watching a video of the actions they are thinking about.
Stephen Hawking clearly thinks in numbers.
I know of one person who has a mental Roladex (TM) in her head and when she wants to retrieve an idea she simply flicks though the cards.
Me? Every thought I have is subtitled. The words hover there in front of my mind's eye (as a result I often watch telly with the subtitles on and then wonder why it looks weird if I watch someone else's TV). And, like live subtitles, if a word feels wrong I will edit it as I go, kind of like word processing! As you can see from my blog though, my retrieval system is pretty haphazard. It can be effective, if I visualise a word I can often recall various associations with it -  a mental thesaurus if you like.
So how about you? How do you process the world in your mind? How do you dig up memories, facts and faces?

It's behind you

First thought, and one that has bothered me for a while now, is why can't you see behind you?
Seems obvious right? It's cos our eyes are at the front.
But my point is where does your vision stop? And what does the brain fill it with?
Imagine your head is a sphere, like an orange. If you cut it in half, roughly from ear to ear and over the top of your skull, one half, with your eyes in it represents all you can see from one edge of your peripheral vision to the other. The other half is the back of your head. As far as your vision is concerned it doesn't exist.
But concentrate for a minute, stare at the screen but think about what is at the edges of your vision -for me it's the book case one side and the wall the other. Now I know what is beyond because it's my room, but there is no black line where the edge is, there is no big black void where I can't see. On the other hand the image of the bookcase is 180 degrees from that of the wall. They don't join up.
So what is my brain doing? Ignoring it all? It certainly isn't filling it up with dark space. I am completely unaware of what is behind me until I turn to see it.
Do babies have this void? Or is it something our brains just learn to ignore so that by the time we are walking it is so invisible we can't even see it if we focus hard?

What is behind you?